* A new Department of Energy study indicates that the universe is running out of electrons, i.e., free electrons not already held within a flashlight battery or an app or an Internet-of-Things application or Youtube cat videos. “It sounds inconceivable,” MIT professor Dymm Witt said in a recent lecture, “but there are a finite number of particles in our world, as immeasurable as that once seemed to be. But it takes electrons in motion to, well, respond to billions of constantly working thumbs. Everyone has two thumbs,” Dr. Witt advised students, “and that adds up to a lot of constant electrical demand.” Witt said that even wood, old 2x4s in your basement, for example, are now electrically charged, like cell phones, iPads, laptops, and EVs place a premium on any undisputed electron from here to Taurus Afurass, 200 billion light years away.
* The Federal Energy Regulatory Commission (FERC) made two important announcements this week: one, that upcoming hearings will be in Latin and, second, that commissioners and hearing participants must wear wigs. “Non inhaero ad furca ad ostium tabernaculi,” Slip op. 10, “whatever the hell that means,” remarked Commissioner Leck Tron, who explained that “we are a legal and formal process; clarity is job number 1 for the Foederati Industria Regulatory Commissione bigas.” In a press release, FERC said a toupee, no matter what color, will not count as a wig, although it can be worn under the wig or transferred discreetly to a brief-case or purse at the start of a hearing. In the 200 page ruling, Commissioner Tron said Latin to English translations will not be provided (except for a fee). He said, “nobody can figure out what we do anyway so why translate from Latin to sine fine particularibus infimis?” Wigs will be collected after each hearing and given a good shakepostridie parati.
* You’ve likely seen reference to “cultured meats,” i.e., collections of live animal cells grown within very specific conditions, critical research for food and related to efforts to re-grow human organs. Turns out that a few buckets of this slop were recently delivered to at least one Silicon Valley lab.The reason: venture teams are trying to develop a third arm and hand, something that can be affixed, still to be determined how and where, to a person so that after transplant she/he can use both regular hands and still hold a cell phone.“We’ve had new moms and dads complain that it’s really hard to change a baby and hold a phone,” commented director Lawng Gnudle, “right now, this is early stage.” Another likely application, Gnudle suggested, might be for people who unload a grocery cart with just one hand because they can’t put their phone down. Gnudle said this would likely, at first, be a somewhat rudimentary appendage. An “enhanced person,” he said, couldn’t play both parts of a piano duet, for example. Well, maybe both parts of